7 Signs You’re a Bad Neighbor!

Whether you live in an apartment or in a house, you are bound to have neighbors. Here are some signs that you’ve been a bad neighbor! (Read as: Avoid the following if you don’t want the neighbors to start plotting your murder.)

1.  You park your royal carriage where you see fit!

'Did we do something to upset the neighbors?'

Karachiites have this unique ability to park their cars in the most interesting ways. You know you’re a bad neighbor when you park your car right in front of the neighbor’s gate and then pretend you were in a huge rush to be able to park anywhere else!

2. You keep your house clean but litter the neighbor’s driveway

Flood Clean up 301

Broadway Pizza, NYP and 14th Street are great! Except when you have to dispose off their gigantic empty boxes! You solve this problem by gently placing the pile of boxes outside your gate and use the tip of your shoe to slightly move it closer to your neighbor’s house. Ha! Let passersby think your neighbors ate those greasy pizzas for dinner last night!

3. Water, water everywhere, not a single drop to drink!

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When water in the main lines run out and a tanker is called for, you suddenly want to shower more often and it becomes absolutely essential to wash your car!

4. You keep your television volume high enough to wake the dead!

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You seem to have a sound and sturdy new sound system in your house. Good for you! But maybe you should consider that while your ears are used to the deafening decibels emanating from your speakers, your neighbors might be scribbling notes to communicate with each over the noise!

5. You don’t invite your neighbors to a big celebration in your house!

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When you have a wedding tent in your garden, your neighbors will definitely notice. It’s always a good idea to invite them to the celebrations. Not only will they be more accommodating when the Mehndi music plays until the wee hours, but they might also wish you well!

6. You borrow tea and sugar from your neighbors like there is no tomorrow.

'I'm your new neighbour, can I borrow a cupful of money, or even your credit card?'

Not being able to drink your morning tea because patti khatam ho gayi is the worst fate to befall upon you. To fix this issue immediately you seek help from the friendly Samaritans living opposite your flat! Terrible idea! Instead, you should take some time out on a weekend, make a list of all you need, (include tea in the list), purchase, use, and repeat!

7. You put a password on your Wifi.

Not-Sure-if-to-Thank-Neighbour-for-Free-WiFi

YOU.PUT.A.PASSWORD.ON.YOUR.WIFI! There can be no explanation for this insensitivity unless you’ve shared your wifi password with the neighbors.Then all is forgiven!

So now that you know where you stand on the bad neighbor scale, let me know if you know of worse neighbors and what they do to make them that way!

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Is It Just Me or Do the Roads Need Some Fixing up?

Dear Department of Infrastructure,

I have a small concern regarding the state of the roads in the city. It isn’t a very big problem, really, but the broken roads are becoming a cause for accidents, theft, loss of semi-precious lives and injurious brawls. Let me explain this.

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Driving on roads that resemble a mountainous terrain causes cars to either come to a sudden stop, or take a sharp turn to avoid deep ridges on the road. Uneven road surfaces cause damage to ordinary cars. I can understand that you wouldn’t know this because you probably drove around in a Mars Rover all your life. So it really isn’t your fault.

When drivers’ reflexes set in and they take sharp turns or halt the car abruptly to avoid damage to their ordinary car’s shocks, they inadvertently become a cause for accidents. Of course, these accidents only churn out a couple dead bodies, but what’s two more in the ever-increasing death toll? If the accidents aren’t too serious, they may just result in a broken bumper here or cracked windshield there. Damage to the car does, however result in the eruption of heated arguments that oftentimes become physical brawls. But then arguments are such inconsequential matters in this city that we mustn’t waste time on the topic.

Then there are times when the slow speed of cars makes them an easy target for mobile snatchers. It is very convenient to stop an already snail-paced car and take advantage of the situation. But giving up our phones and wallets is the least we can do for our country.

The most important reason for needing new smooth roads, however, is because I do not want to see the VIP Movement in the city being inconvenienced or slowed down. It would be a shame to see 25 or so fancy cars going up and down on a bumpy car ride. Kind of damages the picture of sophistication and royalty, doesn’t it? Also, we wouldn’t want the VIPs thinking that our roads are terrible and ugly. The open potholes, the uneven surfaces, the puddles created in the middle of the main road, and the holes that have been dug for underground pipelines make this beautiful city look like a face filled with acne marks.

I have faith that you will soon give out orders to get the city’s roads in order even if you have to cut corners and distribute massive amounts of bribe. After all, you are associated with the most capable people of our nation; the Leadership! I know that this may be an inconvenient time for you, what with it being your Autumn Break, but I wouldn’t have asked for the favor if it wasn’t for the Very Important People of Pakistan.

I look forward to your prompt action!

Regards,
A Concerned Citizen

Knock Knock! Can I Have Your Phone?

My job is not easy. I snatch mobile phones and wallets from the middle class citizens of Karachi. My boss is a tough cookie and he does not let us get away with poorly done jobs. In the one and a half years that I have been working for him, I have learnt that he is really hard to please.

What makes Bossman really mad is when one of us breaks a rule. For instance all of us know that we must always stick to working within our assigned territories. We cannot get caught by Policemen who do not work for us and we cannot get beaten up by the common man. We must also always meet our weekly targets no matter how many hours of unofficial work time we have to put into the effort. (Boss does not care if you don’t spend enough time with your wife. I guess his wife must not be as scary as mine!) Similarly, we must always work in pairs and never do anything that is beyond our level of expertise.

Working in the industry for over a year means that I now qualify for the position of ‘snatcher.’ This means that I am an actual mobile snatcher now and not just a rider. You see, if you are a newbie in the field, you can only ride, not collect! Now my partner rides the bike and I get off it to collect phones. The two of us work great as a team and collect up to thirty cell phones a day! Of course we aren’t always so lucky! For you see, when we are assigned a territory in Defence, we have a tough time meeting our targets. Rich people are very unpredictable and one can never tell when there is a guard hiding in the car or when of the rich people are armed.

One of my favorite territories to work in is Maripur. It is the area that every beach-goer must cross if they want to reach their destination. There is a bumpy patch of ground near the factories and truck ‘adda’ where we find our targets almost too easily. I’m quite sure there used to be a road here at some point, but there is only sand, bumps and pebbles now. Since the road is so non-existent, cars have to be driven at a snail’s pace and they are inevitably trapped between trucks. This is where we come into the picture. We waste no time in stopping our bike in front of the car, jumping off with a gun, knocking on the car’s window and grabbing our loot in less than one minute.  Of course, by the time we are done with the snatching and have disappeared, the beach-goers don’t know what hit them.

Sometimes, however, our chickenly opponents experience a fleeting moment of courage and speed off without parting with their valuables, and with us just looking on in confusion. Such stunts not only leave us without our loot, but they also hurt our ego and damage our image! And sometimes, our prey gets a bout of strength along with some courage, and crushes our bike or partner in their mad dash to safety! Obviously I think that is unfair and unnecessary! But, who will explain this to the heartless citizens of Karachi?

Therefore, I appeal to all you Karachiites with a cell phone and wallet; please follow the instructions below and make our jobs easier for us:

  1. Make sure you flash your phones in the car a couple of times so we know you have a phone for us.
  2. Do not look around for suspicious people on bikes. If you make eye contact with us we cannot catch you off-guard and before you know it, you just made us lose a potential loot.
  3. Make sure you keep your car between trucks or right next to the sidewalk so that you are easily accessible and conveniently trapped.
  4. Leave your phones and wallets inside your bags so that when we are collecting we just have to grab one thing instead of several things at once. Snatchers only have two hands after all… Plus there is also the matter of limited time.
  5. Also, do not forget to keep your jewelry in your handbags! I recently came across a nice lady’s handbag which had some expensive jewelry! I think she believed she would be safer if her frosting was off her instead of being flashed for all to see! Ha. Lucky for us, we snatched the entire bag from her and found the jewelry too!
  6. Keep your windows slightly rolled down and doors unlocked. It saves us time to wait for scared fingers to roll down the window.
  7. When we knock on your window with our metal beauty, please remember to panic! Your panic is what makes our work easier!

I do hope you will follow these simple instructions. You do this for us, and I will be sure to put in a good word for you with our Boss! Thank you!